This blog is starting with a break-up. Huh.. typical. And cliche. Whatever.

I’ll admit it. I’m a mess. I’m not good with change, I never have been. And I never saw this one coming.. although looking into it now, I guess that I should have. The Boy and I had been talking for over a year now. It started with daily phone calls last winter break, and I was totally uninterested. But as time went on, I became interested.. a little too interested I guess. When it was good, it was really good. He became my best friend, as well as my “boyfriend” for most of the time. Problem is, as he had just come out of a really bad relationship, he was never ready to commit. Ever. Stupid me, I went along with and thought it was okay, because as long as we acted like boyfriend and girlfriend, it was the same thing.. right? WRONG. We did everything together.. talked on the phone every day and especially before bed at night, spent almost every day together, went on vacations, had a zillion sleepovers, and became pretty much as close as we could be. We talked about getting married and having kids together and we said that we loved each other and everything was fine.

Until last week, when Boy said he needed space. And then just cut me off like a bad hangnail. He stopped calling, stopped answering any of my calls or texts, stopped wanting to see me or caring anything about me. It messed me up. I guess I had become almost dependent on spending time with him or knowing where he was at all times. I became a nervous wreck, but kept telling myself it was just temporary. But it wasn’t. I kept telling myself not to call him and pretend like I didn’t care.. but I did care.. a LOT. And I kept cracking. And then two days ago, I did the ultimate crack. I started texting him at 7 that morning, because I haven’t been able to sleep much later than that since this all happened. I asked if he had time to see me that day. He said no. And he said he didn’t want to see me at all. We continued to fight via text for over an hour.. with me freaking out more and more that he was throwing this all away through a text and that he couldn’t even have the decency to see me, and him getting more and more annoyed that I wouldn’t stop texting him or give up when he said he wanted to see me. And then I made the ultimate mistake. I drove by his house, just to see if he was home.. and he was. So I went to the door and rang the doorbell. He was inside and he flipped out, telling me to get the F away from the house. But I couldn’t make myself leave. I was so desperate to see him, to just TALK to him.. and I had become so comfortable enough to feel that his house was like my house.. that I did the worst and just let myself in. I quickly realized this was the biggest mistake I could have possibly made. I’ve never seen him so mad, as he literally man-handled me out of the house. I had an anxiety attack, and after he literally threw me out, I just sat on his driveway and tried to catch my breath. How did we get to this point? The boy who I had just been laying in bed with a week before, holding each other and telling each other “I love you,” had just literally tossed me out of his door and out of his life. And then the next day, we had the ultimate conversation. It was over forever. He claims he’ll never forgive me for going into his house, that he should have called the police. I think he’s definitely over-reacting, but remembering the whole thing just makes me feel little and pathetic.

So now it’s just time to move on with my life. And it’s so, so hard. I keep telling myself that I’m okay and that I’m better this way, but my entire last week and a half have been a series of flopping back and forth from terribly hysterical to overly resentful and angry. Our relationship wasn’t healthy. He couldn’t commit to me until over a year after this all started. He never did many little, cute things to me. More than enough times I sat by my phone, waiting for him to call when he said he would, only to blow me off. I gave everything to him.. and I can’t say that I got everything in return. He treated his mother horribly, which I’ve always heard is a reflection of how a man is going to treat any other girl. He told me in our last conversation that I have issues that I need to work out. But in reality, I think he’s the one with the issues. Although I could have toned it down a little, I don’t think I acted much differently than many girls before me would have reacted in a similar situation. No one likes to be ignored or dropped overnight, when they thought they were in love only the night before. He told me that his heart wasn’t in it anymore and that our relationship wasn’t making him happy. Reflecting now.. apparently nothing makes him happy. He’s not happy with his family, his living situation, his school, his jobs, his money situation, his first group of friends, his second group of friends, his body.. I think he’s generally just an unhappy person, and me being such a happy person.. I don’t think I need someone that negative in my life. I’ve spent hours and hours and hours listening to him complain and worry about the same things over and over again. I put up with it because I cared so much about him.. but why should I care about someone that’s not caring that much about me? I’m a smart, attractive, funny, way-too-nice girl.. and I deserve better. Once the hurt goes away.

It’s been hard to eat and hard to sleep and hard to get the nauseous, anxious feeling out of my stomach. I keep worrying about what I’m going to do all summer without him.. I loved every second I was with him. But hopefully I get to the point soon where I really realize that I’m better off without him holding me back. I’m sick of being the doormat to every boy I encounter. I don’t need that. I’m a nice girl, but I don’t need to give EVERYTHING if it hurts me or if I’m not getting it in return. I can’t wait until I’m finally just over this.. and I hope karma hits him, and he realizes what a mistake he made taking advantage of a girl that loved him, would never have hurt him, and that would have given him everything.

So here’s to a new beginning. To a new me, with a billion opportunities in front of me. Right now, it’s hard to imagine me with anyone else, because silly me convinced myself that he was The One for so long. But he’s not the one, clearly. He’s selfish and insecure and doesn’t know how to trust or how to treat a girl right. It’s a new summer, one that I’m hoping to spend with my closest girl friends that I haven’t spent much time with in a long time.. and hopefully meet some new, nice boys along the way.

Once the sick nauseous feeling passes. I need to just get out of my own head.

I keep writing him an angry, mean letter in my head over and over.. a letter that I will never ACTUALLY write and give to him, because I’m not that low.. but I know what the last sentence would be:

“…and “I AM” is TWO fucking words, you asshole!”

So there.